P - Potty training

There isn't a parenting blog on the planet that doesn't include a post on potty training right?

Well, I held off as long as I could, but somethings are just inevitable...

But I have done potty training twice now, so that pretty much means I'm an expert right?

Wrong.

Potty training has no levels, no beginning, no end! And there are no fucking experts.

Just parents, children and poo!

It's just something you've got to get through, and then at some point you will find you are in a better place and life is OK again.

The Myths
"Whatever you do don't stop"
Bollocks! if isn't working stop! For the love of God - stop! For your sanity and your child's well being - stop! Any time you want - just stop!

"You'll know when your child is ready"
 No you won't... You'll agonise over it. Deliberate about it. Beat your self up about it for ages. Then you'll do it and after a day probably say "I don't think they were ready"

"You need to stay indoors" As if it isn't hellish enough, people encourage you to be under house arrest as well? Potties are portable, pull ups are available and you have spare clothes. And what's the worse that will happen? They''ll poo their kecks and you'll have to change them... you've been doing that since they were born anyway.

The Facts

• No child is the same.
• There is no "right" way or "wrong way" just The Way you choose to do it.
• Nothing can't be fixed with some baby wipes and a change of clothes. (I also have carried anti-bac spray and roll too!)

Just be prepared that it'll take longer than you think and there will be accidents. On the upside it'll probably provide you with some funny stories to tell, you could even write a blog! Like when a perfectly formed poo fell out the bottom of my child's jogging bottoms whilst we were having coffee in a posh cafe, or when my middle son used his brother's birthday present as a potty, or when my parent's dog wolfed the potty contents or how about when the baby pulled the potty from under the toddler mid poo!

What am I saying? Potty training's not hard it's hilarious! It's been a blast!

P - Public Breastfeeding

Oh to live in Europe, where I could get my boobs out anywhere, anytime and no one would give a blind bit of notice. But here, in dreary wet England, I am full of inhibitions and feel every disapproving glare as a prod in my side. I have a friend, who I have huge admiration for, when she breast feeds she is all grace and no anxiety. I have seen her breast feed her new-born whilst leading a toddler around a play area, or managing to feed on the school run, whilst collecting many children. She has developed an art. But her secret is to remove any inhibitions and just enjoy that she has content babies. Her boobs are about an eight of the side of mine as well, I do think this helps.

The more children I have, the more I have learnt to relax, but still I have hang ups, it doesn't help that my boobs often resemble pumped up watermelons when breast feeding and seem to have their own agenda to expose themselves, or that I have listened to numerous, small minded people and their ridiculous hang ups on other women breast feeding in public.  I mean, what would people prefer, to sit in a cafe, with a SCREAMING baby at the next table, or to sit in a cafe with a content baby feeding from their mother? When a child is feeding, you can't see anything anyway, maybe a small patch of flesh, which would be less than you see on most women, under the age of 30, walking down the high street. 

Being a people pleaser I tried to breast feed with discretion. I would cover my feeding baby with a blanket, which was draped over my shoulder, until my brother-in-law commented that it reminded him of one of Michael Jackson's babies. Certainly didn't want any of my parenting techniques to be linked to his.

Then, when out in public, I would often pop back to feed in the car. This was quite successful until when in a retail park car park, my other half locked me in, therefore any small movement set the alarm off, which without the keys I could not turn off. So, I sat breast feeding, with a huge alarm blurring, resulting in every passer by peeping in! Ironic huh?

I found the sling/baby carrier a marvellous device for feeding in public, until... When walking down a local high street, passing a sandwich shop, an ex-pupil clambered down the shop's steps,he waS not looking where he was going due to the concentration it takes to stuff a whole sandwich into one's mouth. He literally fell over me. I stumbled forward, managed to stay on my feet and stop the baby from tumbling out of the sling. However, the baby unlatched from the boob. A very apologetic 16 year old boy, suddenly realised it was his old teacher he had fallen over, "Oh hiya Miss. Sorry. Is this your new baby?" he said peering into the sling locking eyes with my exposed nipple spraying milk. We all blushed. Even the baby.

I thought the layering top was fool proof - you know one top underneath, to cover post-baby belly, then accessing boobs from under the upper garment to ensure minimal exposure. However, an old friend recounted her experience to me:

"I was doing the old 2 tops thing for breast feeding without showing everyone my belly. Got hot and bothered when out shopping, so took the top layer off, and only, when I saw my reflection in a shop window, did I notice that I had my skanky maternity bra on display to all! I'd failed to pull the bottom layer up after the last feed."

So this time, when my third child is born, I am torn between just walking around topless to breast feed, or popping over the channel, where feeding your own child is celebrated not condemned. Both of these may be a bit tiresome though. Could England just lighten up instead?

P - Pregnancy Brain

Something stops working when you're pregnant. Something disconnects. I think it may have always been a faulty wire in my brain, but when I'm pregnant there is no doubt it is fully disconnected. It's the last step of thinking, the final thought; it's missing. This is often referred to as 'Preganancy Brain'. It's when you walk into a room and forget completely why you went in there, you stand looking vacantly for clues, until you leave the room defeated. It's like that - all the time! But it appears there are no medical answers to this condition. But it is one. Oh yes it is definitely one. I have the proof. 

Unfortunately, my pregnant brain has stayed with me post pregnancy, and had permanently hindered my memory, consequently I am struggling to recount all the wonderful pregnancy brain stories I have been told.

Fortunately with Facebook and Twitter at your fingertips (literally) who needs a memory - I can just pinch other people's stories - here's the best of them (including some of my own):

• "I cried a lot, especially about the dog". I love how she left this open. I immediately conjured images of  a heavily pregnant woman turning to her other half, sobbing, "The dog needs a walk", he looks bemused "Why are you crying?". Still sobbing "because he's just so demanding". Or later, on said walk, picking up poo, sobbing through breathless tears "Could you not have done it in the long grass, when no one was looking?"

 

• "Had a shower at 8 months. Applied shower gel to my 'flannel' - starting washing and then realised I had brought my piece of toast into the shower." This is my personal favourite and always stays with me when i need an emergency chuckle

 

• "After two consecutive days of forgetting my purse, then on a evening discovering at supermarket checkout I had purse but it was devoid of cash and cards, my exasperated other half insisted on doing a check of my bag contents before we descended to the car (house is on 1st and 2nd floor). We stood at the top of the stairs doing this: "Mobile? Check. "Purse? Check. Diary? Check." Satisfied, we descended, as as I followed him out the front door, I paused on the outside step. "What?" he said "What can you have possibly forgotten?" he demanded, whilst turning to see me looking down at my feet...  My uncovered, bare feet. "Shoes? For Fuck's sake!" Exactly. For Fuck's Sake.

 

• "I got some money exchanged at the travel agents. She was lovely. I explained it was a wedding gift, I told her about the wedding, how I should have been bridesmaid but I was pregnant, we talked about the baby, my pregnancy and my woes and at the end, I took the money, she said " Have a lovely time" and I said " I love you.". I think I meant thank you. I hope I did."

 

• "My colleague found out she was pregnant after she had just taken over a new desk at work, where the previous occupants were all on maternity leave,  she announced, to a full meeting, "I'm pregnant... Must be something I sat on." Apparently she's never lived it down, only fair really, when you give colleagues that much ammunition.

 

• "I left the house, two children scampering full speed down the street, and thought 'these flip flops have stretched', looked down and I was wearing my boyfriend's size 10 Adidas pair, instead of my size 6 Reeboks. I then had to run after two small children, like Steven Tomkinson wearing clown shoes in 'Brassed off'.

 

• "When we couldn't find things -car keys, wallets, diaries etc - we usually found them in the fridge."

 

• "When teaching I would continually miss the last letter of words off, when writing on the whiteboard e.g. 'Rome and Julie is the mos romantic love story of our tim' The kids loved it."

 

• "Half way through a lesson, I realised my top was on inside out. I had to go in the cupboard to change it. The pupils hadn't noticed - a testament to how much attention they were paying me."

 

• "By the end of the pregnancy I was carrying around underwear, deodorant and a tooth brush in my handbag, as I'd regularly discover these were things I'd forgotten to do." Underwear? Brilliant!

 

• "I was on the phone to the tax office and they asked my current employer. I couldn't answer them. I had no idea. I had to hang up and ring back later."

If this is not proof enough, then I would suggest typing in #pregnancybrain on Twitter - some great examples on there too!

Some people say it never leaves, but I think that's just called "tiredness", especially when looking after a baby, toddler... husband. I did leave the house in my slippers, when pushing my week old first born round the block, only noticed when stood talking to a neighbour and then had a very awkward 5 minutes where I wondered if they had noticed too.

Please share any of your own, I love hearing them!