Q - Quiz shows

We would watch quiz shows pre- children. You know if we were not out in pubs or restaurants or on holiday. But if on the off-chance, we were in on a Saturday night we would watch them. We'd watch with that arrogant superiority; that kind of "we're so fucking clever. We could piss this, but we'd never go on a quiz show" kind of thing.

He'd answer all the history and geography and l'd take care of literature and celebrity, because I'm diverse like that. Anyway we pretty much nailed them.

Now we watch quiz shows because we have no choice. We are at the merciless hands of bad weekend TV and we submit to it willingly because will long for mind-numbing escapism.

Most of the time we watch like zombies, answering in monotone synchronisation. But sometimes we get a little excited. Almost raucous. Because occasionally there's a question on kids TV or Disney or nursery rhymes and we sit up in our seats because we know we've got it in the bag.

You should have seen me when the list Thomas the tank characters came up on "He Who Dares". I was giddy. I turned to the other half "40. Easy." At which point he challenged me to 50. There was only one thing to do. We had to get a pen and paper out and write them all down. What can I say? It was one of those rock and roll moments.

Then, there was yesterday when I caught Pointless Celebrities (I know the name is pure genius) for the first time. They were asking Esther Rantzen to come up with the most obscure Mr Men character. Do you know what she gave them? Mr Happy. Mr. Sodding Happy. He must be the third most popular one. After Bump and Tickle of course!

Then just to get the adrenaline pumping later I watched In It To Win It where the asked a dad-to-be "Who in Sing a song of sixpence got their nose pecked off?" And the young whipper snapper didn't have a clue, and the worse bit was when he joked "I bet this time next year I'll be kicking myself"

Pal, this time next year that nursery rhyme will be the reason they section you. You'll be rocking to it in your padded cell as they play you re-runs of Wheel of Fortune to keep you ticking over!

C- Calpol

I have three children, one would walk over hot coals for a spoonful of Calpol, the others need to be held down, have their mouths forced open and syringe fed the stuff - seriously you would think I was trying to force feed them disinfectant!

Clearly a "parent's best friend" is Marmite for kids. They either love it or they hate it!

But we have got to the point now where we think are thinking is it worth it? IS the relief from their illness going to be worth the trauma of giving them a spoonful a Calpol? Sometimes the answer is yes (chicken pox), sometimes no (teething).

But surely they need to offer some alternative methods now. The spoon and syringe don't cut it our household.

I talked with some other Mums who have they also spawned "Calpol Haters" and we thought of "the patch" like a nicorette patch but with Calpol, not nicotine, obviously. A Calporette?

Well, we think it would work, the only question is do I apply for Dragon's Den or The Apprentice?

C- Cradle Cap

Reasons I hate Cradle Cap:

• It looks like someone's spread pease pudding on your baby's head
• It is near impossible to say without calling it "cradle crap"
• It makes my skin twitch when I pick it
• But I am compelled to do it anyway

S - Spanx

When my sister was pregnant she said "It's so nice not to have to worry about sucking your stomach in all the time".
I replied with  "the only downside to that is afterwards you need to buy a pair of knickers to do it for you!" Thank god for Spanx ek? Underwear NOT for the faint-hearted!

I have to be honest, pre-children I never really knew about "magic knickers" In fact my only knowledge came at a wedding  when a colleague  announced to the table: she was "going to have to go to the bog and take these fucking awful knickers off before my legs turn blue."

But post-babies I have learnt two things about knickers:
1) You should always carry a spare pair if you are going to jump on a trampoline
2) There are certain outfits that require sturdier underwear.

For Longer version click here

B - Baby Wipes

Ok so as wiping babies' bums go they are pretty good. Let's just say they get the job done. But it's how damn useful they every where else that makes them pure genius. Sometimes I wonder what I did before baby wipes were in my life. W"hat did I use... To get dried red wine off the wooden floor? To take my make-up off? To dust? To get toothpaste off a black top? To clean dog-poo off a shoe? To wipe ice cream off The FH's  shaved head? To clean a muddy slide? Clean the rear-view  mirror? Wipe-clean a birthday card? Clean mascara stained cheeks? Remove something unsightly from a park bench/train seat/cafe table? Use a public lav?

And that was just today, tomorrow there will be another Twenty things I've used baby wipes for.

G- Girl Bits

I was in the bath with my three boys feeling not at at all self-conscious... Until .. My two year old pointed at my pubic hair and said "Stosh". This is his word for "Moustache". His association of the word comes solely from Mr Pontipine. See image above.

"Stosh" he repeated and pointed between my legs. I looked down, Not quite the look I was going for.

I tried to brush over this conversation by distracting him. I threw a rubber duck at his head. That worked. But then my four-year-old piped up.

"It's not a stosh is it?" he asked, his quizzical glance making me feel very self-conscious.
"No it's not." I said, turning my back on all three of them.
"What is it called?" he asked innocently.
Great, let's gang up on the only girl.
"Well when you were two you called it a star". I said. Hoping that would be it.

"It's not a star." he said "a star is this shape" he added helpfully drawing an outline in the air with his finger.
"I know. But you just called it that."
"Well what's it's other name?" he asked.
"What do you mean?" I said, trying to bide myself some thinking time.
"What does every one else call it?" he demanded.
"Erm..."
And that was me stumped. Three pairs of eyes on me (even the baby had jumped on) waiting for an answer. Me, uncomfortably huddled at one end of the bath.
"Well...?" he asked. He wasn't going to let up.

What to say? Vagina popped into my head, but he is 4. I really didn't want to start with vagina this and penis that at this age - far too formal.

 I was aware that "star" had been scrapped, which I was quite thankful about as they were starting a "space" topic at school next term and I was worried he would be sharing with the class "My mummy has a star".

So what to say... Why isn't there a nice, child-friendly, universally used name for girl's bits? Like willy. Willy is used by everyone. It's not offensive and is not used as a derogatory insult.

So what could I say?I 'm the only girl in my house, so the pressure was on me?

Fanny? Used to describe someone who is spineless.
The "C" word ? I know Caitlin Moran says this is her term of choice, but really to your 4 year old daughter Caitlin? I don't think so.
Lady garden? -Please! Bork!
Front bum?  I really don't want it being associated with a bum, where poo comes out? I just don't. Why should it be?

So my answer was:

"It's got lots of names, people call it all different things, but if you ever need to call it something you can say "girl bits" people will know what you are talking about.