I - Internals

"Why does nobody tell you about internal inspections?" My sister demanded when she came out of hospital, her 2 day old baby in her arms. "I was prepared for pooing the bed, being ripped in two, pain never felt before etc etc. But internals? Nobody told me about them."

Maybe it's because her internal led to a spotting a breach baby and she only had one contraction before she was whisked off for a c-section. Maybe the internal is the last thing remembers, where the pain and discomfort for Mums having gone through labour is replaced by memories more harrowing.

Maybe.

Or maybe, like hemorrhoids. It's something people don't like to talk about.

"Just like a smear" the Midwife will say, lulling you into a false sense of security before a contraption, hand and forearm disappear into the unknown. The future dad stands open mouthed, aghast - porn films have never been this graphic.

By the way... It is nothing like a smear.

I - I can't see my feet!

For a long time I thought pregnant people couldn't really see their feet. But they can, can't they? I mean, not from every angle, like they could pre-bump. But all it takes is a slight lean forward and there they are, like they always were, on the the bottom of your legs, just looking slightly more swollen.

No, this expression is clearly a euphemism for something else beginning with 'F' - a euphemism that previously flew right over my head.

When my first close friend fell pregnant, a good few years before I'd considered having children,  she was 7 months pregnant when I heard her whinge  "Do you know what? It would just be nice to see your Foo Foo again"
"Do you miss it?" I joked.
"Just you wait" she threatened and sat their looking smug. A woman who knew the real drawbacks of pregnancy.

And, she was right. It would be nice.

It's not that we look down there it a lot, I mean, if challenged to the amount you examine between the legs, you'd probably blush and reply "rarely ever".  But when that option is taken away and you suddenly can't, you become aware of how much attention that area requires and it is quite unnerving.

Unnerving in the regards that you have absolutely no idea what is going on down there, unnerving because every other body part which grows hair is taking on a new lease of life, unnerving, and terrifying, that  the time is fast approaching that that area is about to have its moment of crowning glory - a whole new stage and audience - and you have no idea what it looks like.

"ARRGGH! I can't see my F..."