S - Secret Tools!

Yesterday, my 5yo told me about some new tools his teacher has the given the class.

"They're invisible" he said looking at me with wide eyes. "And..." <dramatic pause> "... they are always in your pocket, so you can pull them out when ever you need them!"

"Ok" I said, then asked curiously "So what are these tools?"

"One is called "stick-ability" and you use that one if you are finding something hard and you just want to give up.You pull it out and stick-ability helps you keep on going"

"That's a good one" I said."What else you got?" Hoping there was an anti-wrinkle cream that actually worked in there

"There's "distraction action" I use this one a lot. If something's distracting me, like a noise or a person, then I pull it out and it helps me ignore them."

"Cool! I need that sometimes" I said thinking about time spent on twitter opposed to time spent writing " Can I borrow it?"

"No!" He replied flatly "You need to get your own tools. These are mine."

I was tempted to reply... Well buster, I'm one step ahead of you. I've been carrying around my own pack of invisible tools since the day you were born.

But I didn't, instead I decided I would write a blog post about them. Hoping you would appreciate hearing about them...

Some of my invisible tools that get me through the week...

False Smile

Ok. We all have this one. Remember the false laugh we learnt as pre-schoolers to appease adults who don't know how to communicate with children? You don't know what i am talking about? Introduce you child to Uncle Knobhead and see what they do... A false laugh right?

Well, the false smile is how that little, wary false laugh has evolved. And when you become a parent the false smile is perfected. It is used for nearly every other parent (apart from the select few which you LOVE obvs) you see on the school run, in the supermarket and wherever else they may pop up, as they are everywhere right? It is used for every child that isn't your own that talks to you, asks you a questions or requires your attention in some way. It used for everyone over the age of 60 who comments on your child's size, attire or behaviour. And when you are a broken human being, after clawing an ounce of sleep from the depths of desperation, that false smile is was saves you from being arrested for punching a pensioner in the nose!

Tongue clipper

I put this effective little clip on my tongue every time I go to playgroup. It stops me saying stuff like...
"You are full of bullshit"
"Your child's behaviour is horrendous"
"Please don't speak to me like that"
"I really don't give a shit!"
"I know you love your child desperately, but we don't"
"Liar!"
"Does your voice always do that singsong thing or do you save it for when you are talking to me?"

"The Big Hummm"

This is really useful to bring out every time anyone wants to give you some advice. It works with all ages; if they are 70, 7 or 37, it is still very effective. All you have to do is let them speak and listen. Then pause. Now, just when it's quiet, throw a big "hummmmm" into the air, Then pause again. They will think you are considering it deeply, when really you are thinking: "I will never ever do what you just said"

"It's OK (not really) face."

When you say it's Ok, but your face is telling a very different story. Letting someone know, it is OK, but if it EVER happens again it won't be.

Very handy to have with you at all times.

Instances I have found it worthy of being used:

• When you pick your child up from nursery and they have been allowed to glue their hat to their head
• When your child breaks something VERY important, Like your phone, laptop, brother's favourite toy.
• When your child accidentally spills a drink down you
• When your own child spews up down your back
• When someone mistakes you for being pregnant and you are FUCKING not! Actually, that's never ok.
• When a stranger gets your child's gender wrong.
• When an acquaintance calls your child Johnny. It's Jonty!
• When you arrive to collect your child from somewhere and send out the wrong one!

So Mums, mums to be, Dads and the rest of the human race, share your secrets -what invisible tools do you carry around you?

S - Spanx

When my sister was pregnant she said "It's so nice not to have to worry about sucking your stomach in all the time".
I replied with  "the only downside to that is afterwards you need to buy a pair of knickers to do it for you!" Thank god for Spanx ek? Underwear NOT for the faint-hearted!

I have to be honest, pre-children I never really knew about "magic knickers" In fact my only knowledge came at a wedding  when a colleague  announced to the table: she was "going to have to go to the bog and take these fucking awful knickers off before my legs turn blue."

But post-babies I have learnt two things about knickers:
1) You should always carry a spare pair if you are going to jump on a trampoline
2) There are certain outfits that require sturdier underwear.

For Longer version click here

S- School Run

This is how it goes:

- Take 45 minutes to get myself and three children washed and dressed (without  make up or nice hair)
- Settle baby in buggy
- Ask if anyone needs the toilet
- Put coats, gloves, scarves, hats etc on at door
- Eldest child: "need a poo"
- Eldest child strips from the waist down
- Commentary on poo (inc size, colour and wiping)
- Middle child wakes baby
- Re-dress eldest child whilst jiggling buggy
- Leave house with three children
- Remember about dinner money/ PE kit/water bottle/homework/ridiculous random item needed for that day e.g. egg box or something less specific like "an item in the shape of a cylinder"
- Leave children in front garden and return to house
- Retrieve forgotten item
- Separate children fighting over pushing the buggy
- Retrieve buggy from the middle of the street
- Wipe a snotty nose
- Take a deep breath
- SET OFF!
- Eldest child points out huge dog turd
- Remark in OTT loud voice about how disgraceful some dog owners are
- Passing dog walker brandishes a poo in a see though orange bag in my direction
- Middle/Eldest child falls over
- Wipe tears and a snotty nose
- Chase middle child around a stranger's front garden, apologise to house owner, straighten unearthed flower bed  (x 3)
- Pretend to be scared witless by eldest child jumping from behind wall
- Stop and admire his favourite tree with middle child
- Force middle child onto buggy board
- Ignore middle child's tantrum
- Wipe  a snotty nose
- Explain to eldest child that I am also tired but also have to walk
-Reach main road and run along side of middle child who won't go on buggy board and has a fascination with the noise of the traffic
- Get off main road and swallow heart back down
- Reach pelican crossing, eldest child has tantrum about not being able to press button
- Wipe a snotty nose
- Hold on to middle child's hood till we here the peeps
- Cross the road
- Tell eldest child to run ahead, in case they're closing the doors.
- Chase middle around school outhouse
- Smile at some smartly dressed Mum holding hands of daughter with perfect pigtails
- Get blanked
-Carry middle child under one arm, pushing buggy with other, to classroom door
- Hang coat on peg
- Hand in homework/dinner money/mystery random object
- Say the longest-goodbye-known-to-man to eldest child (Romeo and Juliet departed quicker)
-  Stop middle child writing on the interactive whiteboard
- Remove middle child, who is sat crossed legs and sitting smartly amongst the class, from the class room
- Wipe a snotty nose
- Take a deep breath
- SET OFF HOME!

Every single day!

S - Snoring

It's already started; it's here and he is leaving the bedroom. The Snore. No, correction, The Pregnancy Snore. A sound man thought woman could not make.

With our first child, he tried to "grin and bear" it. Because he was so excited about the arrival of his first child, it seemed like a small price to pay; the woman you love re-enacting sounds only ever heard on nature programmes as they film the largest species of bear hibernating in a dark, echoing cave. Of course he would try and nudge me, roll me over, even wake me up to tell the neighbours had just called and asked if I could keep it down. But it was to no avail. The Snore was staying for the duration. But with the second, as soon as it came, he would leave the bedroom, pillow over his shoulder, like a travelling sack, and retreat to the sofa, spare bed etc. Now, at six months pregnant with our third, he rarely makes it in the bedroom door. His rule is if he can hear me from the bottom of the stairs, as he makes his way to bed (I am usually asleep by 9.00pm), then he's not going to even attempt pleading with the growls for some sleep. He would rather take refuge on the empty top bunk in the kid's room.

I believe him. I don't think he is exaggerating at all. I have spent various nights on the maternity ward with both children, I have heard these heavily pregnant women rumble and roar in their sleep. Once, as he dropped me off in said ward, in the early hours of the morning, when my water's broke but labour lay dormant. We quietly shuffled into a ward and heard deep-throated, sleep grunts from behind the curtains.

"Am I as loud as that?" I whispered in disbelief.

"Louder." he replied iwthout smirk or trace of a wind up.

In this ward is where I also witnessed The Pregancy Fart, from the other side. But that's a whole new blog post.

S - Second children

The other day I found my second child sat in his father's sock draw (1 metre off the ground) drinking my bio oil. It would never have happened with the first.

But we say this a lot...

His brother would never have worked out to pull himself up on the radiator and hang head first out of our bedroom. His brother wouldn't have climbed a ladder, leaning against an outhouse at a garden party, only to be caught when he was spotted inches away from climbing onto the dilapidated roof. His brother would have never worked out how to open the front door and make a dash for it when no one was looking.

Other Mums drop there head to one side, as I tell anecdotes of his latest adventures, and say softly "It's the second child syndrome, just like my so-and-so".

But second children weren't born like this, it's not a default. Sure, some of it is personality, but we have to look at ourselves for this one. We smother the first child with all our insecurities and idiosyncrasies, unable to see the bigger picture as we are so preoccupied with the all-consuming love for your first child. You don't love the second any less. but you love it with freedom, you relax into parenthood, turn a blind eye, and let's be honest, lose a bit of control, because with more than one there just isn't the time. So the second child, overflowing with independence and free will, is formed.

So when they ring you up from the other side of the world, about to bungee jump off the largest bridge wearing nothing but a mankini, we only have our selves to blame.