I have big babies. I show early, I carry a lot of water and I have a big bump and I produce big babies, Do I need to hang my head in shame? Is it a bad thing that my babies arrive in the world healthy and beautiful? Should I really be trying to ensure they are born malnourished, needing to be incubated and so bloody damn cross because their minuscule stomachs can't absorb more that a thimbles full of milk?
And by big babies, I'm not talking making headlines on the local news, I'm talking healthy weights. My first was 9lb7 and my second 8lb13. But their tiny forms caused others to gasp! And patronise me with their quietly spoken, attempting unnecessary sympathy, questions:
"Did you have to go and buy new clothes" No. They still fit into newborn clothes- for a whole month too! "Did you have to bottle feed?" No. Surprisingly, they didn't require 4 gallons of breast milk, just the usual amount.
"Is he heavy?" Well he's one week old and all ANYONE wants to do is carry him, so I'm guessing not.
Or failing this, they just didn't bother to hide their astonishment and exclaimed "Isn't he big?" as if I was carrying an hippopotamus in my sling. I slowly learnt to reply with "Yes and beautiful and healthy." Which they immediately made them back track and fluster out "oh of course that's what I meant" Yeah sure it is.
Big? I carry him in my forearm., he can bathe in a hand basin, his sleep suits are made of less material than your tummy-sucking-in knickers, his fingernails are smaller than daisy petals and his whole form is swamped by a car seat you couldn't fit your arse into. Actually, I think he is quite fucking small.