Saturday, 2 July 2011

L - Lying

I pretty much decided early on that lying was a way to make things more interesting. My parents still recall the parent's evenings where teachers would show them my exercise books with extravagant stories inside. "Yes lies I'm afraid" they'd blush. Their personal favourite (and one I'm not so proud of) is when I wrote about doing a poo in my wardrobe and my sister sitting in it when we were playing hide and seek. When questioned by mortified parents I said "We had to write about what we did in the holidays... again!" Clearly, I was bored with the teacher's lack of creativity enduced by back to work blues.

Lies you tell your children
We all know the obvious ones, like the one which empties your bank balance in December and the flying pixie who pays for rotton teeth. But not until you're "living it" do you realise how many lies you have to tell them, just to get you through the day.
"Don't worry the teachers will look after you."
"You can't go outside with no trousers on the policeman will tell you off" (no he won't, he'll be too busy looking for a new job)
Any question that includes the "D" word (death or dying) pretty much is answered with a lie. Really, who is going to dampen their day with truth?

Lies you tell your partner
"Who ate all the cakes?"
"The Kids."
*Who's been messing with my I pod?"
"The Kids"
"Why's it so messy?"
"The kids."
"Where's the change that was on here gone?"
"The Kids

Lies you tell other parents
"This is lovely; is it homemade?"

Anything that includes the phrase "you know, as a one off" probably started off as the truth and is now a lie.

Lies you tell the Relatives
"No, I don't mind" - Yes you do - you always do. You're a mother and therefore a control freak. I'm afraid it goes with the territory.

Lies you tell yourself
They really shouldn't be eating all those Easter Eggs. I'll just have to have help them out.
Beebies is ok because it's educational.
And the one which will erase all your angst... "They'll grow out of it".  (Yep, course they will. They don't tell you when though. "You don't see 15 year olds with dummies do you?" a comforting Mother tells her friend struggling to rid he child of the plastic plug. Yeah but you do see 6 year olds don't you? And that looks wierd enough.)

And sometimes, it's just more fun. Once, I had to explain why there were lots of jelly fish on the beach. Every explanation resulted in a "why?". My knowledge of marine biology had been emptied, I could answer no more "Whys?" but he was still not satisfied. I had nothing left, I had to bring in magic, wizards and Lightning Mcqueen and only then was happy. Marine biologist has been crossed off the "when I grow up" list though, I don't think he could handle the disappointment.

So it's the lying game. Hiding the truth. Brushing things under the carpet. Whatever spin you want to put on it, our days are full of them. Rotten to the core us parents are. Rotten with lies.


  1. Had a lovely little giggle over this post. The 'where's does my change go' happens all the time in my house!

  2. Thank you - I have no shame when it comes to lying! But I was outraged when my 3 year old told a blatant lie about drawing on the door yesterday! More like me than I realised.